Learning Parenting 101: Better Late Than Never
John K. Rosemond
December 2, 2008
Hartford Courant
Welcome to Parenting 101, a two-part introduction to the fundamentals of effective child-rearing. Upon passing this course, which will conclude with next week's column, you will have acquired what it takes to raise children who are mannerly, self-disciplined and do their best in school. As you will see, the fundamentals in question do not include various clever means of manipulating reward and punishment. If, to this point, parenting has not been a relatively simple, easy-going affair, your problem is your attitude, your point of view, in which case you signed up for the right course!
•If you are married, put your marriage first. Your relationship with your spouse should be considerably more active than your relationship with your children. You should pay more attention to your spouse, talk more to your spouse, do more for your spouse and spend more time with your spouse than with your kids. There is, after all, nothing that more effectively secures a child's sense of well-being than knowing his parents are taking care of their relationship.
•If you are single with children, have lots of interests outside of your interest in your children. Have hobbies, friends, activities and a job that takes your attention away from your kids. In so doing, you will become interesting to them. They will have greater respect for you, and they will pay you more attention. Whether married or single, be the center of your children's universe as opposed to letting them be the center of yours.
•By the time your children are 3 years old, you should build a boundary between yourself and them, one that limits their access to you. Let them know that you are not at their beck and call, that you have a life beyond being their mother or father, and insist that they respect your privacy.•Say "No" more than you say "Yes." Actually, the proportion should be at least five to one. The only children who can't take "No" for an answer have parents who do not say it often enough and cannot say it with conviction.
•Put the horse of leadership in front of the cart of relationship. The secret to effective discipline is not manipulating consequences cleverly; rather it is assuming a posture of loving leadership in their lives. Leadership is a simple matter of acting like you (a) know what you're doing, (b) know where you're going, (c) know what you want and (d) know you are going to get it. That translates to a calm, confident, casual parenting style.
OK, class dismissed, but remember to show up next week.!
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.
http://www.courant.com/features/hc-parents1202.artdec02,0,1457950.story
John Rosemond: Grow A Strong, Brainy, Creative, Polite,
Happy Child
December 10, 2008
Hartford Courant
This is Part 2 and
the conclusion of Parenting 101, an overview of the fundamentals of effective
parenting. Last week's class dealt with such basics as having a more active
relationship with your spouse than you have with your children, saying
"No" more than "Yes," and the much-overlooked fact that
the discipline of a child is accomplished through the conveyance of proper
leadership, not reward-ship or punishment-ship.
Having built a strong foundation, we will now move into a set of specifics
that are equally essential to raising a child who will be well equipped to
deal successfully with the realities of independence. After all, the purpose
of raising a child is to get him or her out of your life and into a life of
his/her own.
1. Put yourself at the center of your child's attention, not the other way around. It is a simple matter to discipline a child who is paying attention to you and near impossible to discipline a child who is not. In that regard, always keep in mind that the more attention you pay a child, the less attention the child will pay to you.
2. Put your child into a meaningful role in your family, one that is defined in terms of responsibilities known as chores (remember them?). By the time your child is 4 years old, he should be contributing significant time and effort on a daily basis to the maintenance of the household. Your child's chores should not be assigned haphazardly but should be established as a routine. Besides picking up after himself and keeping his own living space clean and orderly, he should be working in "common areas" of the home, doing such things as dusting and vacuuming. You do tell people that your child is gifted, do you not? Without chores, a child is a mere consumer, on a perpetual entitlement program, and entitlements do not strengthen people or culture. Grow a strong child!3. Keep television and other electronic media out of your child's life until your child has learned to read well and is self-entertaining. The research is clear that electronic media shortens attention span, interferes with the development of certain critical-thinking skills, and develops a dependency that leads to frequent complaints of boredom. Remember that an average of just two hours of "screen time" a day means your child is absorbing electronic stimulation to the tune of 730 hours a year. That's the equivalent of eighteen 40-hour work weeks! Think of the creativity that's being lost! Grow a child with a strong brain!
4. From Day 1, keep clutter out of your child's life by keeping toys and other "stuff" at a minimum. Paradoxically, children who entertain themselves well (low-maintenance children) tend to have few toys. These children are also more grateful for and take better care of what they have. Grow an imaginative, creative child!
5. Emphasize manners, not skills. Sixty years ago, most children came to overcrowded first grades not knowing their ABCs yet, at the end of the year, were reading at a higher level than today's kids, most of whom are already reading in kindergarten. That happened because parents of 60 years ago taught proper behavior, not skills; therefore, teachers taught skills, not proper behavior. Grow a polite child!
6. Love your child enough to grow a happy child!
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com.
http://www.courant.com/features/hc-parents1210.art0dec10,0,3679262.story